I is for...Interesting!

Much of the art of promotion and advertising is figuring out a way to grasp the attention of your target audience. Usually this is done by appealing to the things that interest us most; sex, violence and alternate worlds that offer some respite from reality. However, making your product interesting is not always easy to do and, as pioneers of the world of promotion, it is our job to come up with ingenious new ways of spicing-up otherwise mundane promotional products. If putting women on bonnets sells cars, surely there must be a way to adapt this simple methodology for everyday businesses? Check out this example of interesting promotion.

So you know how you've always wanted your drink to be sexier? Well look no further than this piece of super-promotion - the Beverage Babe Wrap! In a range of colours, shapes and sizes; the beverage babe puts a sexy new spin on the old concept of beverage-insulation, making the simple act of drinking into a sexual adventure that transcends even your wildest fantasies! Providing, of course, that your fantasies involve drinking liquids from the torso of a tiny, limbless, headless women wearing sports clothing...


Designed to zip-up and fit snuggly around your bottle, the beverage babe is essentially just a pair of neoprene breasts that can be attached to your bottle for that added feeling of "What the hell am I doing?". Having said that, if the product actually featured tiny replica breasts, it might add some kind of comedic vibe to the whole thing - akin to the "Beer" episode of Blackadder II. However, the "breasts" featured on the beverage babe are very much hidden away from view, in what would be a suggestive and alluring way if they weren't rubber lumps attached to the torso of a mutilated jogger.

So that's how not to use sex to advertise your product. You can't deny that it's quite an interesting idea though, can you? The point of the matter is that it's not hard to make your products interesting, so put some more effort in!

H is for…Hip Flask!

What better way to ensure customer loyalty by suggesting they are alcohol dependent? Joking aside – really, what better way to ensure customer loyalty than by providing a means by which they can actually carry liquor around in their pocket, making it available at any moment they find themselves in need of some Dutch courage? (How selective acceptable racism has become these days…)

Alright so I accept I'm being unnecessarily harsh on the idea of a promotional hip flask; one could easily fill it with frappachino or, heaven forefend, smoothie! The strange thing is that, in this age of accepted alcoholism, these things are actually considered quite trendy -yet rarely do people not drinking from the flask ever actually know what is swilling around inside. When we see a bearded man swigging from a hip flask we keep him at a safe distance in case he pukes, swings for us or passes out; we do not pull up a stool and say “You know what, I don’t think there’s whiskey in there at all! I think it’s apple juice you fraud! You’re not charmingly addicted to booze at all – you’re nothing but a wannabe alcoholic!”

So maybe these promotional hip flasks - with their large, smooth print area for your enrgraved logo - might not actually encourage the drinking of alochol at all, making them a good idea for companies that are concerned about being seen to advocate such immoral behaviour. Personally I actively encourage it; anything to change our state of conscious to one in which we forget the agony of the ironic falsity behind our perception of utter-freedom is good by me. But unfortunately there is yet another problem with this idea, which is – strangely – the same as the advantage.

You see, these things ARE trendy, but this doesn’t make them a good promotional product. They are trendy because they are seen to stand for everything that things like promotional products do not stand for; hip flasks are seen as a sign of rebellion, of self-destruction – of a rock n’ roll lifestyle! Not as a sign of belief in Cheap Roofing or A&M Food Safety Certification. Unless you are a cool company with a cool logo, nobody who will actually use these things will want one with your name on it – it’s a sure-fire way to go from cool to tool in a matter of seconds. Of course, the ironic truth is that any genuine alcohol dependant existentialist wouldn’t care what his hip flask says on it – but the market is in the posers and it’s the market that you’re after.

So, if you’re a cool company – selling motor bikes, guitars or liquor– you can go with one of these; ditto cigarette companies. If you’re not a cool company, just stay away from the idea – and be honest without yourselves, not of this “Sure accounts are hip! That’s where all the dawgs be at – gol’ diggin’ n’ all…” If you’re a seriously uncool company however, maybe embrace the irony and go with a post-modern hip flask that boldly proclaims that the wielder oft frequents Blossom Petting Zoo; I for one would consider buying an Alcoholics Anonymous hip flask. I’m just saying.

G if for...Golf Gloves!

Looking back over the last posts, I got the feeling that the lack of alliteration in the A-Z so far is frankly disgraceful; hence I bring you G is for Golf Gloves. Ah, alliteration at long last - lovely! (I hate myself).

I feel that promotional golf gloves really do speak for themselves; they are the obvious choice of promotional product for anybody who...wants…to…no, I'm finding this trickier than it looks. Let’s be honest for a moment here; people that play a sport who name means Gentlemen Only Women Forbidden are willing to pay an overpriced membership to hit a ball around some hills, having also purchased some clubs, a variety of ridiculous shirts and some special golf shoes with spikes that directly represent the manliness of the sport when compared to rugby studs. Call me a cynic (it’s my job after all) but I’m going to guess that these people and their surplus of money have probably already got themselves a golf glove or five. What’s more, their own golf gloves – which they have hand-chosen from a selection of golf gloves in the shop – are probably of a higher quality than anything your company may be able to afford to give out and, what’s more, they won’t have your name and logo slapped across the wrist as if to say “I can’t afford my own glove, so my boss has given me one”.

On the other hand, let us suppose for a moment that you are the employee of a very well respected business – the kind of business that people are proud, even smug to work for. The kind of business that employees go out of their way to bring up in conversation at the drop of a volavon… The kind of business that wants all other businesses to know that so many of its employees play golf that it actually gives out free golf gloves in an attempt to alleviate the agony bought about by the perpetual tide of ruined golf gloves, mangled by hours of highly competitive golf-tournament playing! As an employee of such a company, would you not actively desire to advertise your chosen career and employer? As the company in question, would you not desire to have your logo seen in a place full of potentially high-earning customers? As an onlooker, would you not be quietly impressed to know that the guys in front of on the course work for Face and Face Limited – the world’s largest supplier of wireless shopping bags?

Essentially these are great products for companies whose employees have a burning desire to jump up and down on the green and scream “Don’t you know who I am?! Don’t you know who I work for?! YOU MUST RESPECT ME!” at the ball every time they miss an easy put. Since we all know this to be amongst the fastest ways to get yourself kicked off a golf course (along with nudity, murder and having working class parents), it is a much easier option to allow your employees to advertise their love of power - I mean love of your company - on their golf apparel.

See? I already respect the man in this photo, just by looking at his golf glove! Now you too can get such meaningless, shallow, easy-to-come-by respect as mine by giving such gloves to your employees! I found this picture by google image-searching "golf gloves" - you can find it there too if you're really that bothered about where it can from ORIGINALLY. (Though technically I suppose everything comes from the same place ORIGINALLY and hence I will attribute all the ideas, text and pictures in this blog to the infinite artistic genius of the Big Bang. If you believe the Big Bang stole your ideas, feel free to sue existence for plagarism - I hear God tried that a while ago but failed when the court ruled that He couldn't possibly have MADE Himself. His lawyer made a good case (well done Moses), but the Lord couldn't provide a satisfactory answer to the defence's key question:

Defence: "Mr. God; where were you on the morning of the first of the first, first ever time ever - the morning on which you claim to have bought yourself into existence?"

God: "Well I was..."

Defence: "Oh you already were, were you?"

God: "...yes?"

Defence: "No further questions your honour."