Nobody enjoys that everyday struggle of trying to fit their whistle into their bag. It's a chore we could all do without.
Unless you are some bizarre non-whistle-carrying type of person, you will be relieved to hear that we whistlers can now overcome this biggest of pains in our collective arse by using these - flat whistles. They work just as well as normal whistles (better, some say), yet they slot easily into your bag, without the embarrassing whistle-struggle that we have all become so used to.
In terms of promotion, this flat-whistle is streets ahead of normal whistles, providing a huge flat space for a logo and information, compared to the small curl of uselessness that is a normal whistle. Oh how I hate those normal whistles. What's more, they come in both blue AND white, so you can have...one for day and one for night! Or one for weekdays and a special weekend-whistle! The possibilites are endless.*
So at last we have an answer for the age old question; how many whistles does it take to teach a dog to sing? The answer; ONE! One of these awesome flat whistles that fits in your pocket as snugly as half a dozen credit cards all stuck together with chocolate - delicous! I mean, incredible.
*Possibilties stated may or may not actually be endless, depending entirely on whether said possibilities involve whistling, carrying a whistling or any other whistle-related activity and, naturally, whether the activities involve the use of either a blue or a white whistle. Recommended as a promotional product for companies whose target audience is mainly football fans.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
D is for...Databank!
What the hell is a databank? Good question. It may read like a Russian call to arms, but Wikipedia declares it to be "a repository of information on one or more subjects that is organized in a way that facilitates local or remote information retrieval". So, that about clears that up.
End.
Only kidding. Much as I would love to just copy and paste wikipedia definitions (wikinitions?) into my blog posts, I have too much time and pride to stoop to such levels. So, some thoughts on these datebanks are required since, after all, I did say that I was going to try to make this interesting. How hard can it be to make databanks interesting? Ahem.
If you're anything like me, you'll do anything to look slightly more like a super-villain. Enter the databank; shiny, metallic-looking and touch screen, this "repository of information" features an abundance of features to keep you organised and entertained (providing you find inputting data to be hilarious fun). Behold the following list of stuff that databank has built into it:
End.
Only kidding. Much as I would love to just copy and paste wikipedia definitions (wikinitions?) into my blog posts, I have too much time and pride to stoop to such levels. So, some thoughts on these datebanks are required since, after all, I did say that I was going to try to make this interesting. How hard can it be to make databanks interesting? Ahem.
If you're anything like me, you'll do anything to look slightly more like a super-villain. Enter the databank; shiny, metallic-looking and touch screen, this "repository of information" features an abundance of features to keep you organised and entertained (providing you find inputting data to be hilarious fun). Behold the following list of stuff that databank has built into it:
- a world-timer (en guard magic slide-calculator!)
- a telephone book
- a scheduler with an alarm
- an address book
- a 10 digit calculator (hohoho)
- an 11 set currency converter
- memo mode
- to do mode (that's right, it can do memos AND to do lists!)
- a metric converter
- 40 major world city times (unlike the world-timer which is...something else?)
- a 3 line display (whatever that is)
- 7 languages! (and no more; try to write in Slovenian and it blows up)
- a 4-language translator (despite having 7 languages)
- and finally...wait for it...GAME MODE!
Satan Himself only knows what Game Mode involves but I'm 80% certain that it will be about as much fun as washing your clothes. I have left a 20% margin of doubt to honour the fact that hurling the databank at a train would probably be enough fun to warrant a degree of recognition.
Otherwise, that's a fairly impressive list of features Mr. Databank! Providing the user is utterly devoid of joy to start with, not much can go wrong using this piece of technology. However, even the most dull of people should be wary of one potential flaw with the databank. You see, the product description declares "these stylish promotional databanks are great for storing and whole wealth of information"! Despite not actually making any sense, this quote is also quite misleading in terms of...well, everything. I'm no expert on modern electronics, but when it goes on to boast that the databank has a full "32k data storage", I cannot help but furrow my brow. 32k? As in...32,000? 32,000 what?! Letters? Words? High-scores in GAME MODE?! Realistically; 32,000 bytes, or 32 megabytes of storage? Or does it mean 32k as in 32 kilobytes? Surely God no; that's a 45th of a floppy disk! Remember them? No? EXACTLY!
Mega or kilo; in either case the description seems to imply that this "repository of...a wealth of information" can hold either a 250th or a 250,000th as much data as my mobile phone. I wonder if these people researched a "wealth of information" before writing their product description... If their definition is anything to go by, such research would be the equivalent of tripping over a poodle.
Otherwise, that's a fairly impressive list of features Mr. Databank! Providing the user is utterly devoid of joy to start with, not much can go wrong using this piece of technology. However, even the most dull of people should be wary of one potential flaw with the databank. You see, the product description declares "these stylish promotional databanks are great for storing and whole wealth of information"! Despite not actually making any sense, this quote is also quite misleading in terms of...well, everything. I'm no expert on modern electronics, but when it goes on to boast that the databank has a full "32k data storage", I cannot help but furrow my brow. 32k? As in...32,000? 32,000 what?! Letters? Words? High-scores in GAME MODE?! Realistically; 32,000 bytes, or 32 megabytes of storage? Or does it mean 32k as in 32 kilobytes? Surely God no; that's a 45th of a floppy disk! Remember them? No? EXACTLY!
Mega or kilo; in either case the description seems to imply that this "repository of...a wealth of information" can hold either a 250th or a 250,000th as much data as my mobile phone. I wonder if these people researched a "wealth of information" before writing their product description... If their definition is anything to go by, such research would be the equivalent of tripping over a poodle.
I'm all for gadgets, despite the fact that I cannot afford to buy any. But even I, as Mr. Mc.Brokeus would be wary of trusting all my important dates and information to a promotional touch-screen databank; that is, if I could actually FIT all my important information onto something with the internal capacity of a Caprisun. I'd rather stick with my phone, again.
Despite everything said above; definitly consider this over the magic world time slide-calculator. That thing doesn't even have Game Mode. Pah.
Please note: if anybody can better explain this 32k data storage, I would be delighted to be informed!
Thursday, 11 June 2009
C is for...Calculator!
In the same way that rappers have guns, businessmen have calculators; they've probably never used them, but they look good and make them feel secure in the knowledge that, should the faeces hit the propeller blades, they've got it there as backup. You know the scenario; "But Walters, if we lose this investments-deal with G-Com, our overheads will go through the roof! Christ, our projected net profit is slipping as I speak! At this rate the end of the week will see us at...at...DAMMIT I CAN'T DO THAT MATHS! WALTERS, FETCH MY CALCULATOR!"
It could make a great movie; Death By Numbers; An Accountants Tale. One man's struggle against maths; Keanu Reaves plays Frank, incredibly stupid son of a powerful accountant. Keen to follow in his father's footsteps, Frank must overcome his stupidity and lack of facial expressions to prove to the world, and his father, than he...is...the one...two, three, four, five...
Aye, you heard Frank right - magic, world time slide-calculator. You know like a slide-phone, only without anything good? Oh wait, I am mistaken; they feature an alarm, a clock, a world timer and a "date function" AS WELL AS a slide-calculator! Forgive my cynicism but, in my experience, clocks, alarms and world-timers don't really count for three individual features...not REALLY... As for the "date function" well, that count mean a host of things! Maybe it guesses at the date four times a day, or recalls past dates when you were doing cooler things than you are currently doing. Maybe it systematically goes through your phone book, calling everybody and asking them if they'll go out for dinner with you...oh no wait, it's not a phone. Sadly.
I assume it actually means that it tells you the date, probably after you have originally told IT the date during the set up. So really it just keeps track of the date for you...in the same way that your phone and laptop do...only without the billion other features that make phones and laptops useful and calculators pretty much pointless. Hooray! If it was a proper badass scientific calculator, I would bow down right now and worship at its..."feet"! But alas, it is not. It is a calculator with a sliding cover and added clock.
I suppose the clock can at least tell you the time anywhere in the world...as if that is actually a useful thing for anything to be able to do. How many people genuinely have family living in other parts of the world, yet still can't remember the time difference? "I should call my mum, she'll be home from work by now, it's 19:00... Oh but wait...she lives in Spain! It could be 03:00 in the morning there! I'd wake her up...I'D WAKE HER UP! Excuse me, excuse me, help - does anybody know the time in Spain? Anybody?! MOTHER? MOTHEEEEER! NOOOOOOOOOO! IF ONLY I HAD A MAGIC WORLD TIME SLIDING CALCULATOR!"
So, like I said - a slide phone without anything good. Not the best promotional product ever, but certainly an interesting one.
It could make a great movie; Death By Numbers; An Accountants Tale. One man's struggle against maths; Keanu Reaves plays Frank, incredibly stupid son of a powerful accountant. Keen to follow in his father's footsteps, Frank must overcome his stupidity and lack of facial expressions to prove to the world, and his father, than he...is...the one...two, three, four, five...
"I was thirteen when my father first showed me numbers. I didn't know what to think - there were so many! Too many! I tried to count them all but by my fifteenth birthday I still hadn't managed! That was when my father gave me a birthday present that would change my life...a magic, world time slide-calculator"
Aye, you heard Frank right - magic, world time slide-calculator. You know like a slide-phone, only without anything good? Oh wait, I am mistaken; they feature an alarm, a clock, a world timer and a "date function" AS WELL AS a slide-calculator! Forgive my cynicism but, in my experience, clocks, alarms and world-timers don't really count for three individual features...not REALLY... As for the "date function" well, that count mean a host of things! Maybe it guesses at the date four times a day, or recalls past dates when you were doing cooler things than you are currently doing. Maybe it systematically goes through your phone book, calling everybody and asking them if they'll go out for dinner with you...oh no wait, it's not a phone. Sadly.
I assume it actually means that it tells you the date, probably after you have originally told IT the date during the set up. So really it just keeps track of the date for you...in the same way that your phone and laptop do...only without the billion other features that make phones and laptops useful and calculators pretty much pointless. Hooray! If it was a proper badass scientific calculator, I would bow down right now and worship at its..."feet"! But alas, it is not. It is a calculator with a sliding cover and added clock.
I suppose the clock can at least tell you the time anywhere in the world...as if that is actually a useful thing for anything to be able to do. How many people genuinely have family living in other parts of the world, yet still can't remember the time difference? "I should call my mum, she'll be home from work by now, it's 19:00... Oh but wait...she lives in Spain! It could be 03:00 in the morning there! I'd wake her up...I'D WAKE HER UP! Excuse me, excuse me, help - does anybody know the time in Spain? Anybody?! MOTHER? MOTHEEEEER! NOOOOOOOOOO! IF ONLY I HAD A MAGIC WORLD TIME SLIDING CALCULATOR!"
So, like I said - a slide phone without anything good. Not the best promotional product ever, but certainly an interesting one.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
B is for...Beach Set!
It is well-known fact that people hate going on holiday and spend their entire time wishing they were back at work. Right? Right.
Well you'll be pleased to hear that there is, available on the market right his second, a entire collection of beach-orientated promotional accessories to ensure that you feel as close to work as possible whilst on holiday! A mesh beach bag, which I assume can be used for carrying goodies, comes filled with a pair of flip flops and a beach mat, all in matching mushy-pea-green, nuclear-orange or slag-pink! I assume it's a sort of one-size-fits-all arrangement with the flip flops, though I can't imagine how they'd conduct the market research into discovering the shoe size of the cross-section of society most likely to wear promotional flip flops..
On the downside, nobody is going to want your logo on their beach mat. On the plus side, the convenience of the mat/flops/bag combination means that people might well put up with your little promotion for the sake of the beach-easiness. Furthermore, anybody that witnesses another human being so bedecked in promotional love is bound to assume there is a reason so such insane brand-loyalty...
Alternatively, this product is ideal for the proud employee that just can't bear to leave work. You know the ones.
Well you'll be pleased to hear that there is, available on the market right his second, a entire collection of beach-orientated promotional accessories to ensure that you feel as close to work as possible whilst on holiday! A mesh beach bag, which I assume can be used for carrying goodies, comes filled with a pair of flip flops and a beach mat, all in matching mushy-pea-green, nuclear-orange or slag-pink! I assume it's a sort of one-size-fits-all arrangement with the flip flops, though I can't imagine how they'd conduct the market research into discovering the shoe size of the cross-section of society most likely to wear promotional flip flops..
On the downside, nobody is going to want your logo on their beach mat. On the plus side, the convenience of the mat/flops/bag combination means that people might well put up with your little promotion for the sake of the beach-easiness. Furthermore, anybody that witnesses another human being so bedecked in promotional love is bound to assume there is a reason so such insane brand-loyalty...
Alternatively, this product is ideal for the proud employee that just can't bear to leave work. You know the ones.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
A is for...A-Z! (kinda)
Forgive me for this brief moment of arrogance, but I feel I am doing quite well in my quest to tell you many athing that is relevant to promotional products; I have shown you good ones, bad ones, interesting ones, boring ones, eco-friendly ones and even alternative solutions to non-eco-friendly ones! For this reason, I have decided to challenge myself to write an enjoyable A-Z of promotional products, in the hope that it will further drive home the point that there a BJILLIONs of options available to you, hence you should spend some time and choose wisely.
So here we go; 26 ideas for promotional products and my thoughts on them.
A is for...Atlases!
Indeed my friends, there are people out there who feel their company is best represented by stamping their contact information on the front of finecell-bonded atlases, or Alti as I prefer to refer to them in the plural (not just because pseudo-Latin is fun but become it is an alternative name for Thor, who is badass). I always thought that an atlas had to be a collection of maps of the world, with "world" being the foundational part of the definition. However, the particular example I found declared itself to be an "Atlas of the United Kingdom" - so I suppose I must be wrong.
Wikipedia informs me, in its infinite wisdom, that an atlas is simply a collection of maps, usually of the Earth, which makes me wonder; just how many maps make up an atlas? Three? Is three enough maps for an atlas? If not, what do you call a collection of maps that is too small to be an atlas? A micro-atlas? Furthermore, you could technically make a collection of maps about anything and hence have an "Atlas of My Pond and Surrounding Shrubs"! Combine these two problems and you could have genuine 3-page atlas/micro-atlas of driveway. Nonsense.
Hence I think the term "atlas" should be reserved for collections of maps that detail the whole world. But this is all essentially beside the point; there are A4, leather-bound collections of road maps available, upon which you can foil-block your own logo. Sound fun? No? I'm not surprised, but it would at least make an interesting and useful product for car salesmen to give away or geography teachers to receive. What's more, since it will almost never be opened or used, your logo on the front cover will to on show the whole time! Unless of course somebody puts if away on a self, in which case it will never be seen. Ever.
I'm not here to cast judgement; I'm just reporting the truth! They don't call me Edde
"Pravda" Gamester for nothing.
So here we go; 26 ideas for promotional products and my thoughts on them.
A is for...Atlases!
Indeed my friends, there are people out there who feel their company is best represented by stamping their contact information on the front of finecell-bonded atlases, or Alti as I prefer to refer to them in the plural (not just because pseudo-Latin is fun but become it is an alternative name for Thor, who is badass). I always thought that an atlas had to be a collection of maps of the world, with "world" being the foundational part of the definition. However, the particular example I found declared itself to be an "Atlas of the United Kingdom" - so I suppose I must be wrong.
Wikipedia informs me, in its infinite wisdom, that an atlas is simply a collection of maps, usually of the Earth, which makes me wonder; just how many maps make up an atlas? Three? Is three enough maps for an atlas? If not, what do you call a collection of maps that is too small to be an atlas? A micro-atlas? Furthermore, you could technically make a collection of maps about anything and hence have an "Atlas of My Pond and Surrounding Shrubs"! Combine these two problems and you could have genuine 3-page atlas/micro-atlas of driveway. Nonsense.
Hence I think the term "atlas" should be reserved for collections of maps that detail the whole world. But this is all essentially beside the point; there are A4, leather-bound collections of road maps available, upon which you can foil-block your own logo. Sound fun? No? I'm not surprised, but it would at least make an interesting and useful product for car salesmen to give away or geography teachers to receive. What's more, since it will almost never be opened or used, your logo on the front cover will to on show the whole time! Unless of course somebody puts if away on a self, in which case it will never be seen. Ever.
I'm not here to cast judgement; I'm just reporting the truth! They don't call me Edde
"Pravda" Gamester for nothing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
