C is for...Calculator!

In the same way that rappers have guns, businessmen have calculators; they've probably never used them, but they look good and make them feel secure in the knowledge that, should the faeces hit the propeller blades, they've got it there as backup. You know the scenario; "But Walters, if we lose this investments-deal with G-Com, our overheads will go through the roof! Christ, our projected net profit is slipping as I speak! At this rate the end of the week will see us at...at...DAMMIT I CAN'T DO THAT MATHS! WALTERS, FETCH MY CALCULATOR!"

It could make a great movie; Death By Numbers; An Accountants Tale. One man's struggle against maths; Keanu Reaves plays Frank, incredibly stupid son of a powerful accountant. Keen to follow in his father's footsteps, Frank must overcome his stupidity and lack of facial expressions to prove to the world, and his father, than he...is...the one...two, three, four, five...

"I was thirteen when my father first showed me numbers. I didn't know what to think - there were so many! Too many! I tried to count them all but by my fifteenth birthday I still hadn't managed! That was when my father gave me a birthday present that would change my life...a magic, world time slide-calculator"

Aye, you heard Frank right - magic, world time slide-calculator. You know like a slide-phone, only without anything good? Oh wait, I am mistaken; they feature an alarm, a clock, a world timer and a "date function" AS WELL AS a slide-calculator! Forgive my cynicism but, in my experience, clocks, alarms and world-timers don't really count for three individual features...not REALLY... As for the "date function" well, that count mean a host of things! Maybe it guesses at the date four times a day, or recalls past dates when you were doing cooler things than you are currently doing. Maybe it systematically goes through your phone book, calling everybody and asking them if they'll go out for dinner with you...oh no wait, it's not a phone. Sadly.

I assume it actually means that it tells you the date, probably after you have originally told IT the date during the set up. So really it just keeps track of the date for you...in the same way that your phone and laptop do...only without the billion other features that make phones and laptops useful and calculators pretty much pointless. Hooray! If it was a proper badass scientific calculator, I would bow down right now and worship at its..."feet"! But alas, it is not. It is a calculator with a sliding cover and added clock.

I suppose the clock can at least tell you the time anywhere in the world...as if that is actually a useful thing for anything to be able to do. How many people genuinely have family living in other parts of the world, yet still can't remember the time difference? "I should call my mum, she'll be home from work by now, it's 19:00... Oh but wait...she lives in Spain! It could be 03:00 in the morning there! I'd wake her up...I'D WAKE HER UP! Excuse me, excuse me, help - does anybody know the time in Spain? Anybody?! MOTHER? MOTHEEEEER! NOOOOOOOOOO! IF ONLY I HAD A MAGIC WORLD TIME SLIDING CALCULATOR!"

So, like I said - a slide phone without anything good. Not the best promotional product ever, but certainly an interesting one.