I is for...Interesting!

Much of the art of promotion and advertising is figuring out a way to grasp the attention of your target audience. Usually this is done by appealing to the things that interest us most; sex, violence and alternate worlds that offer some respite from reality. However, making your product interesting is not always easy to do and, as pioneers of the world of promotion, it is our job to come up with ingenious new ways of spicing-up otherwise mundane promotional products. If putting women on bonnets sells cars, surely there must be a way to adapt this simple methodology for everyday businesses? Check out this example of interesting promotion.

So you know how you've always wanted your drink to be sexier? Well look no further than this piece of super-promotion - the Beverage Babe Wrap! In a range of colours, shapes and sizes; the beverage babe puts a sexy new spin on the old concept of beverage-insulation, making the simple act of drinking into a sexual adventure that transcends even your wildest fantasies! Providing, of course, that your fantasies involve drinking liquids from the torso of a tiny, limbless, headless women wearing sports clothing...


Designed to zip-up and fit snuggly around your bottle, the beverage babe is essentially just a pair of neoprene breasts that can be attached to your bottle for that added feeling of "What the hell am I doing?". Having said that, if the product actually featured tiny replica breasts, it might add some kind of comedic vibe to the whole thing - akin to the "Beer" episode of Blackadder II. However, the "breasts" featured on the beverage babe are very much hidden away from view, in what would be a suggestive and alluring way if they weren't rubber lumps attached to the torso of a mutilated jogger.

So that's how not to use sex to advertise your product. You can't deny that it's quite an interesting idea though, can you? The point of the matter is that it's not hard to make your products interesting, so put some more effort in!

H is for…Hip Flask!

What better way to ensure customer loyalty by suggesting they are alcohol dependent? Joking aside – really, what better way to ensure customer loyalty than by providing a means by which they can actually carry liquor around in their pocket, making it available at any moment they find themselves in need of some Dutch courage? (How selective acceptable racism has become these days…)

Alright so I accept I'm being unnecessarily harsh on the idea of a promotional hip flask; one could easily fill it with frappachino or, heaven forefend, smoothie! The strange thing is that, in this age of accepted alcoholism, these things are actually considered quite trendy -yet rarely do people not drinking from the flask ever actually know what is swilling around inside. When we see a bearded man swigging from a hip flask we keep him at a safe distance in case he pukes, swings for us or passes out; we do not pull up a stool and say “You know what, I don’t think there’s whiskey in there at all! I think it’s apple juice you fraud! You’re not charmingly addicted to booze at all – you’re nothing but a wannabe alcoholic!”

So maybe these promotional hip flasks - with their large, smooth print area for your enrgraved logo - might not actually encourage the drinking of alochol at all, making them a good idea for companies that are concerned about being seen to advocate such immoral behaviour. Personally I actively encourage it; anything to change our state of conscious to one in which we forget the agony of the ironic falsity behind our perception of utter-freedom is good by me. But unfortunately there is yet another problem with this idea, which is – strangely – the same as the advantage.

You see, these things ARE trendy, but this doesn’t make them a good promotional product. They are trendy because they are seen to stand for everything that things like promotional products do not stand for; hip flasks are seen as a sign of rebellion, of self-destruction – of a rock n’ roll lifestyle! Not as a sign of belief in Cheap Roofing or A&M Food Safety Certification. Unless you are a cool company with a cool logo, nobody who will actually use these things will want one with your name on it – it’s a sure-fire way to go from cool to tool in a matter of seconds. Of course, the ironic truth is that any genuine alcohol dependant existentialist wouldn’t care what his hip flask says on it – but the market is in the posers and it’s the market that you’re after.

So, if you’re a cool company – selling motor bikes, guitars or liquor– you can go with one of these; ditto cigarette companies. If you’re not a cool company, just stay away from the idea – and be honest without yourselves, not of this “Sure accounts are hip! That’s where all the dawgs be at – gol’ diggin’ n’ all…” If you’re a seriously uncool company however, maybe embrace the irony and go with a post-modern hip flask that boldly proclaims that the wielder oft frequents Blossom Petting Zoo; I for one would consider buying an Alcoholics Anonymous hip flask. I’m just saying.

G if for...Golf Gloves!

Looking back over the last posts, I got the feeling that the lack of alliteration in the A-Z so far is frankly disgraceful; hence I bring you G is for Golf Gloves. Ah, alliteration at long last - lovely! (I hate myself).

I feel that promotional golf gloves really do speak for themselves; they are the obvious choice of promotional product for anybody who...wants…to…no, I'm finding this trickier than it looks. Let’s be honest for a moment here; people that play a sport who name means Gentlemen Only Women Forbidden are willing to pay an overpriced membership to hit a ball around some hills, having also purchased some clubs, a variety of ridiculous shirts and some special golf shoes with spikes that directly represent the manliness of the sport when compared to rugby studs. Call me a cynic (it’s my job after all) but I’m going to guess that these people and their surplus of money have probably already got themselves a golf glove or five. What’s more, their own golf gloves – which they have hand-chosen from a selection of golf gloves in the shop – are probably of a higher quality than anything your company may be able to afford to give out and, what’s more, they won’t have your name and logo slapped across the wrist as if to say “I can’t afford my own glove, so my boss has given me one”.

On the other hand, let us suppose for a moment that you are the employee of a very well respected business – the kind of business that people are proud, even smug to work for. The kind of business that employees go out of their way to bring up in conversation at the drop of a volavon… The kind of business that wants all other businesses to know that so many of its employees play golf that it actually gives out free golf gloves in an attempt to alleviate the agony bought about by the perpetual tide of ruined golf gloves, mangled by hours of highly competitive golf-tournament playing! As an employee of such a company, would you not actively desire to advertise your chosen career and employer? As the company in question, would you not desire to have your logo seen in a place full of potentially high-earning customers? As an onlooker, would you not be quietly impressed to know that the guys in front of on the course work for Face and Face Limited – the world’s largest supplier of wireless shopping bags?

Essentially these are great products for companies whose employees have a burning desire to jump up and down on the green and scream “Don’t you know who I am?! Don’t you know who I work for?! YOU MUST RESPECT ME!” at the ball every time they miss an easy put. Since we all know this to be amongst the fastest ways to get yourself kicked off a golf course (along with nudity, murder and having working class parents), it is a much easier option to allow your employees to advertise their love of power - I mean love of your company - on their golf apparel.

See? I already respect the man in this photo, just by looking at his golf glove! Now you too can get such meaningless, shallow, easy-to-come-by respect as mine by giving such gloves to your employees! I found this picture by google image-searching "golf gloves" - you can find it there too if you're really that bothered about where it can from ORIGINALLY. (Though technically I suppose everything comes from the same place ORIGINALLY and hence I will attribute all the ideas, text and pictures in this blog to the infinite artistic genius of the Big Bang. If you believe the Big Bang stole your ideas, feel free to sue existence for plagarism - I hear God tried that a while ago but failed when the court ruled that He couldn't possibly have MADE Himself. His lawyer made a good case (well done Moses), but the Lord couldn't provide a satisfactory answer to the defence's key question:

Defence: "Mr. God; where were you on the morning of the first of the first, first ever time ever - the morning on which you claim to have bought yourself into existence?"

God: "Well I was..."

Defence: "Oh you already were, were you?"

God: "...yes?"

Defence: "No further questions your honour."

F is for...Flat Whistles!

Nobody enjoys that everyday struggle of trying to fit their whistle into their bag. It's a chore we could all do without.

Unless you are some bizarre non-whistle-carrying type of person, you will be relieved to hear that we whistlers can now overcome this biggest of pains in our collective arse by using these - flat whistles. They work just as well as normal whistles (better, some say), yet they slot easily into your bag, without the embarrassing whistle-struggle that we have all become so used to.
In terms of promotion, this flat-whistle is streets ahead of normal whistles, providing a huge flat space for a logo and information, compared to the small curl of uselessness that is a normal whistle. Oh how I hate those normal whistles. What's more, they come in both blue AND white, so you can have...one for day and one for night! Or one for weekdays and a special weekend-whistle! The possibilites are endless.*

So at last we have an answer for the age old question; how many whistles does it take to teach a dog to sing? The answer; ONE! One of these awesome flat whistles that fits in your pocket as snugly as half a dozen credit cards all stuck together with chocolate - delicous! I mean, incredible.
*Possibilties stated may or may not actually be endless, depending entirely on whether said possibilities involve whistling, carrying a whistling or any other whistle-related activity and, naturally, whether the activities involve the use of either a blue or a white whistle. Recommended as a promotional product for companies whose target audience is mainly football fans.

D is for...Databank!

What the hell is a databank? Good question. It may read like a Russian call to arms, but Wikipedia declares it to be "a repository of information on one or more subjects that is organized in a way that facilitates local or remote information retrieval". So, that about clears that up.

End.

Only kidding. Much as I would love to just copy and paste wikipedia definitions (wikinitions?) into my blog posts, I have too much time and pride to stoop to such levels. So, some thoughts on these datebanks are required since, after all, I did say that I was going to try to make this interesting. How hard can it be to make databanks interesting? Ahem.

If you're anything like me, you'll do anything to look slightly more like a super-villain. Enter the databank; shiny, metallic-looking and touch screen, this "repository of information" features an abundance of features to keep you organised and entertained (providing you find inputting data to be hilarious fun). Behold the following list of stuff that databank has built into it:

• a world-timer (en guard magic slide-calculator!)
• a telephone book
• a scheduler with an alarm
• an address book
• a 10 digit calculator (hohoho)
• an 11 set currency converter
• memo mode
• to do mode (that's right, it can do memos AND to do lists!)
• a metric converter
• 40 major world city times (unlike the world-timer which is...something else?)
• a 3 line display (whatever that is)
• 7 languages! (and no more; try to write in Slovenian and it blows up)
• a 4-language translator (despite having 7 languages)
• and finally...wait for it...GAME MODE!

Satan Himself only knows what Game Mode involves but I'm 80% certain that it will be about as much fun as washing your clothes. I have left a 20% margin of doubt to honour the fact that hurling the databank at a train would probably be enough fun to warrant a degree of recognition.

Otherwise, that's a fairly impressive list of features Mr. Databank! Providing the user is utterly devoid of joy to start with, not much can go wrong using this piece of technology. However, even the most dull of people should be wary of one potential flaw with the databank. You see, the product description declares "these stylish promotional databanks are great for storing and whole wealth of information"! Despite not actually making any sense, this quote is also quite misleading in terms of...well, everything. I'm no expert on modern electronics, but when it goes on to boast that the databank has a full "32k data storage", I cannot help but furrow my brow. 32k? As in...32,000? 32,000 what?! Letters? Words? High-scores in GAME MODE?! Realistically; 32,000 bytes, or 32 megabytes of storage? Or does it mean 32k as in 32 kilobytes? Surely God no; that's a 45th of a floppy disk! Remember them? No? EXACTLY!

Mega or kilo; in either case the description seems to imply that this "repository of...a wealth of information" can hold either a 250th or a 250,000th as much data as my mobile phone. I wonder if these people researched a "wealth of information" before writing their product description... If their definition is anything to go by, such research would be the equivalent of tripping over a poodle.

I'm all for gadgets, despite the fact that I cannot afford to buy any. But even I, as Mr. Mc.Brokeus would be wary of trusting all my important dates and information to a promotional touch-screen databank; that is, if I could actually FIT all my important information onto something with the internal capacity of a Caprisun. I'd rather stick with my phone, again.

Despite everything said above; definitly consider this over the magic world time slide-calculator. That thing doesn't even have Game Mode. Pah.

Please note: if anybody can better explain this 32k data storage, I would be delighted to be informed!

C is for...Calculator!

In the same way that rappers have guns, businessmen have calculators; they've probably never used them, but they look good and make them feel secure in the knowledge that, should the faeces hit the propeller blades, they've got it there as backup. You know the scenario; "But Walters, if we lose this investments-deal with G-Com, our overheads will go through the roof! Christ, our projected net profit is slipping as I speak! At this rate the end of the week will see us at...at...DAMMIT I CAN'T DO THAT MATHS! WALTERS, FETCH MY CALCULATOR!"

It could make a great movie; Death By Numbers; An Accountants Tale. One man's struggle against maths; Keanu Reaves plays Frank, incredibly stupid son of a powerful accountant. Keen to follow in his father's footsteps, Frank must overcome his stupidity and lack of facial expressions to prove to the world, and his father, than he...is...the one...two, three, four, five...

"I was thirteen when my father first showed me numbers. I didn't know what to think - there were so many! Too many! I tried to count them all but by my fifteenth birthday I still hadn't managed! That was when my father gave me a birthday present that would change my life...a magic, world time slide-calculator"

Aye, you heard Frank right - magic, world time slide-calculator. You know like a slide-phone, only without anything good? Oh wait, I am mistaken; they feature an alarm, a clock, a world timer and a "date function" AS WELL AS a slide-calculator! Forgive my cynicism but, in my experience, clocks, alarms and world-timers don't really count for three individual features...not REALLY... As for the "date function" well, that count mean a host of things! Maybe it guesses at the date four times a day, or recalls past dates when you were doing cooler things than you are currently doing. Maybe it systematically goes through your phone book, calling everybody and asking them if they'll go out for dinner with you...oh no wait, it's not a phone. Sadly.

I assume it actually means that it tells you the date, probably after you have originally told IT the date during the set up. So really it just keeps track of the date for you...in the same way that your phone and laptop do...only without the billion other features that make phones and laptops useful and calculators pretty much pointless. Hooray! If it was a proper badass scientific calculator, I would bow down right now and worship at its..."feet"! But alas, it is not. It is a calculator with a sliding cover and added clock.

I suppose the clock can at least tell you the time anywhere in the world...as if that is actually a useful thing for anything to be able to do. How many people genuinely have family living in other parts of the world, yet still can't remember the time difference? "I should call my mum, she'll be home from work by now, it's 19:00... Oh but wait...she lives in Spain! It could be 03:00 in the morning there! I'd wake her up...I'D WAKE HER UP! Excuse me, excuse me, help - does anybody know the time in Spain? Anybody?! MOTHER? MOTHEEEEER! NOOOOOOOOOO! IF ONLY I HAD A MAGIC WORLD TIME SLIDING CALCULATOR!"

So, like I said - a slide phone without anything good. Not the best promotional product ever, but certainly an interesting one.

B is for...Beach Set!

It is well-known fact that people hate going on holiday and spend their entire time wishing they were back at work. Right? Right.

Well you'll be pleased to hear that there is, available on the market right his second, a entire collection of beach-orientated promotional accessories to ensure that you feel as close to work as possible whilst on holiday! A mesh beach bag, which I assume can be used for carrying goodies, comes filled with a pair of flip flops and a beach mat, all in matching mushy-pea-green, nuclear-orange or slag-pink! I assume it's a sort of one-size-fits-all arrangement with the flip flops, though I can't imagine how they'd conduct the market research into discovering the shoe size of the cross-section of society most likely to wear promotional flip flops..

On the downside, nobody is going to want your logo on their beach mat. On the plus side, the convenience of the mat/flops/bag combination means that people might well put up with your little promotion for the sake of the beach-easiness. Furthermore, anybody that witnesses another human being so bedecked in promotional love is bound to assume there is a reason so such insane brand-loyalty...

Alternatively, this product is ideal for the proud employee that just can't bear to leave work. You know the ones.